For Aasiyah

1/2/2021

Last week over dinner, Aasiyah, my fourteen year old, announced to everyone: “I’m never going to have children!” The initial response that formed in my head was, “I totally feel you but unfortunately it’s too late for me!” Trying to outdo a teenager in sarcasm is both futile and inadvisable so I settled on a sympathetic, “why not?” “What’s the point?” she retorted flippantly. I felt a strange sensation: On the one hand, I knew that she, like the rest of us, had been confined to the house chasing her younger siblings for the past nine months. We were hearing frustration with Najashi and Makeda, I thought to myself. On the other, this was actually a good question—one that I had never really considered…
   What is the point? I’m not sure there is a definitive answer. However, it is important for us, as parents, to be anchored somewhere. When the task becomes difficult, as it most assuredly will from time to time, our fortitude is the direct consequence of the meaning we give to parenting. As such, I try to remember what one teacher many years ago mentioned about the Qur’an. After offering many disclaimers to ensure he wouldn’t be perceived as irreverent, he said, “The Qur’an, in all of its astounding beauty, is really a book about dysfunctional families.” The lives of the Prophets of God and the righteous (upon all of them be peace) are examples for us. The Islamic doctrine of ‘iṣma (to be divinely protected from committing willful sins), which is shared by both Sunnis and Shi’is, maintains that the Prophets (upon them be peace) represent the highest moral possibility for human beings. And yet, when we look at them, we see lives that were not only unable to avoid familial conflict, but were, as a matter of fact, defined by it. What are we to say about Abraham (upon him be peace) and his well-documented struggle with his father—which resulted in the latter making an attempt on his son’s life. The sons of Adam, Cane and Abel (Hābil and Qābil); what are we to make of the bloodshed between them? What can be said of the blessed Aasiyah (upon her be peace), the wife of Pharaoh, who disavowed the evil of her husband? Joseph (upon him be peace) suffered an attempt on his life at the hands of his brothers. For that matter, Jacob (upon him be peace) was deceived by his sons and made to believe that his dearest son had been killed in an accident. The marital difficulties of both Job and Lot (upon them be peace) are visited in the Qur’an. And perhaps most relevant to us here, what are we to make of Noah’s (upon him be peace) inability to ensure the safety of his son and guide him to salvation?
   We encounter the Divine through our relationships with those closest to us. Family teaches us many lessons. In the case of children, perhaps the most important lesson we learn is tawakkul (reliance upon God.) To be sure, we are reminded that even personal piety is not the outcome of merit but rather grace. Nonetheless, the secret of free-will creates within us the sense that we enjoy a locus of control with regard to the personal. With kids…all bets are off! One is keenly aware that God is in control at all times. Hannah (upon her be peace), the mother of the Blessed Mary (upon her be peace) prayed, {“…O my Lord, I have vowed to You what is in my womb, to be dedicated to Your service, so accept this from me. Indeed, You are All-Hearing, All-Knowing.’ Then when she delivered her (Mary) she said, ‘O my Lord, I have delivered a female,’ and God knew best what she had delivered, ‘And the male is not like the female, and I have named her Mary, and I seek refuge with You for her and for her children from Satan’”} [3:33-36]
Hannah solicits God for protection for her daughter and for her daughter’s children as Mary (upon her be peace) is still an infant. Her prayer is answered, {“So her Lord fully accepted her, and gave her a good upbringing and put her in the care of Zechariah…”} [3:37] In the verse, the good upbringing of Mary is attributed to God. This in no way absolves us of responsibility to our children; however, it is a potent reminder that matter is not entirely in our hands. The farmer must apply himself with both skill and industry when planting but it is God that causes the seed to grow: {“Have you considered what you plant? Is it you who cause it to grow, or is it we who do so?”} [56:63-64]
   {“Our Lord, Grant us the delight of our eyes in our spouses and children and make us leaders of the pious”} [25:74] The Quran also anchors “the why” of parenting in the immense delight and reward that are experienced in children. Accomplishment is always vindicating. One may attain a professional degree, successfully launch a company, build something beautiful with your hands, obtain something that you’ve longed for, etc. However, nothing approaches the joy of seeing your children become people you admire.
My wedding anniversary is on New Year’s Eve. Brothers, this is forgetfulness insurance! Usually, Hadiyah and I plan an experience and the kids either go to grandma’s house or are placed with a sitter. This year, as I’m sure everyone knows, nothing follows precedent. So for the first time in eight years, my wife and I prepared to celebrate our anniversary and bring in the New Year loafing around in pajamas all day and buying the kids confetti and noise makers from Party City. It won’t be the beaches of Trinidad or a bed and breakfast on Lake Geneva, but at least we’ll be able to bring in the New Year with the kids, we said.
To my surprise, when I returned from a morning workout, I saw all three of my children dressed in formal clothing, milling about the kitchen. Aasiyah instructed me to get cleaned up and to return for breakfast “dressed fancy.” With me, the dress fancy part registered instantly but I was still trying to figure out everything else! Once upstairs, my wife explained to me that the kids had awakened her with a hand-illustrated menu and were treating us to a surprise anniversary breakfast. Subhanallah, the preparation was done with so much good taste and attention to detail that at some point I remember thinking to myself, “Did my children do this? Wait a minute, can my children do this!?” After breakfast, Hadiyah and I were led away to the basement and treated to manicures and spa treatments. Here’s an anecdote: While massaging my shoulders, Najashi, my precious six year old son, hilariously said to me in a soothing voice, “Think about things that make you happy. Think about when you had hair!” After an intermission, they served us dinner and this was undoubtedly the piéce de résistance. By this point, I was completely “bought-in” and dressed in black-tie while Hadiyah accompanied me in a formal dress. My children had shown so much competence and character in putting this day together—and in the midst of a pandemic!—and we wanted to honor their efforts. Aasiyah had arranged for us: shrimp fettuccine, freshly baked French bread, Cesar salad, a wide assortment of our favorite sparkling drinks, and our favorite chocolate torte for dessert. During the meal she handled all the service and even acted as our halal sommelier—keeping our glasses filled but without impeding the conversation for the duration of the entire meal. I was floored. My eldest had led her siblings in honoring and serving their parents, esteeming and elevating marriage/family, and displaying the competence, generosity, and consideration required to flawlessly execute such an exquisite day. Unequivocally, I say, it was the best wedding anniversary we’ve had yet. Of course, I can’t take any of the credit! Aasiyah is learning from my wife and some of the phenomenal sisters Hadiyah has brought into her orbit. Nonetheless, my eyes are cooled just the same. This is why I wanted to have children. Aasiyah, I pray that you one day have children that make you as proud as you’ve made me.

Dad
Chicago 2021

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For Aasiyah

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For Aasiyah

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